Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
