its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
