Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
