happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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