i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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