I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
