TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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