Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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