He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
