i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
