Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
