Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
