i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
