I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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