Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
