I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
