you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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