i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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