Nicole vs. Life
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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