I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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