I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
