Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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