I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.