Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle