Yo dont text me then not text me
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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