there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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