I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize