I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
