You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
