Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
