I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
