I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
