so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
