Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
