I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
