just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
