so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
