...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
