My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
