the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
