I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
