woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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