maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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