my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
