I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
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My ass is underappreciated
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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