you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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