I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
