Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
