DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
