You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
