I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
