Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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