You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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