I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
