I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
