My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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