mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
